To the outside world it seemed like he had everything.
At just 34 years old, Kane* had already become a successful business owner. A builder by trade, his earnings had soared over the past decade, earning him millions. He had also invested in real estate and owned three houses of his own.
But beneath the surface, things were different. He struggled with a bad relationship with his parents and could not sustain a successful romantic relationship. One of his former girlfriends had described him as “emotionally stunted.”
Emotional numbness can be an insidious and debilitating response to trauma, manifesting as a protective mechanism that shields individuals from overwhelming pain. While this emotional detachment can provide temporary relief, it ultimately hinders the healing process. Overcoming emotional numbing is a crucial step toward trauma recovery, allowing individuals to reconnect with their emotions and begin the journey toward healing.
Trauma disrupts the emotional and psychological balance of those affected. Whether it stems from personal loss, abuse, violence, or a catastrophic event, trauma can leave people feeling alienated from their own emotions and the world around them. Emotional numbness is a common consequence and is characterized by a profound sense of detachment, with feelings of joy, sadness, anger and love becoming muted or absent altogether.
Kane said during arguments with his previous girlfriend of two years that he would just “shut down.” ‘I wasn’t treating her silently, but I just didn’t want to participate or respond, especially because I knew it would make me angry or upset. Ultimately, I just ended the relationship, just like I would a contract at work,” he told me.
Emotional numbness is a survival strategy
When the pain is too intense, the brain protects itself by turning off emotional responses. While this may help individuals cope in the short term, it can become very problematic if it persists, hindering a person’s recovery.
The journey to overcoming emotional numbing begins with recognizing its presence and understanding its purpose. It is essential to recognize that this detachment is not a sign of weakness or a personal failure, but rather a natural response to extreme stress. Accepting this can be the first step toward reclaiming one’s emotional life.
Therapy can help individuals identify and challenge the negative thought patterns that maintain emotional numbness. By learning to reframe these thoughts, individuals can gradually re-engage with their emotions in a controlled and safe manner. It is also important to address the underlying causes of emotional numbness with the help of a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. Group therapy can also be helpful. Sharing your story in a supportive environment can be very liberating and break the isolation that often accompanies trauma.
Even practices like trauma-informed yoga, breathing exercises, and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) can help release stored trauma from our bodies, facilitating emotional reconnection. It also encourages mindfulness, allowing individuals to stay present and observe their thoughts and feelings. This heightened awareness can gradually bring a person back in touch with their emotions.
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during moments of pain or failure. By practicing self-compassion, individuals can create a nurturing internal environment that supports emotional healing.
Until Kane sought help, he had not realized how enmeshment and parentification with his mother and emotionally absent father had affected him. This dynamic prevented him from building an emotional bond with anyone in his adult life. He used work and performance to suppress his emotions, making him unable to feel them at all.
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Although he viewed his mother as a supportive parent, he came to understand that he had taken on emotional responsibility for her as a child and had lost his childhood in the process. He was always the responsible one. In this way, he became numb to his feelings in an attempt to continue to protect himself from any emotional pain.
When Kane became aware of the lack of intimacy in his life due to his childhood experiences, he agreed that we should slowly begin to unravel his history in a safe therapeutic environment. He began to gently move toward trusting his feelings and letting them guide him to become open and authentic in his relationships with potential partners. This has allowed him to expand his life in all areas.
We know from a growing body of research that early trauma takes a staggering toll on our physical, psychological, emotional and social health. Although trauma plays out in very different ways for different people, Kane now understands that his numbness protected him from the helplessness he often felt. That insight helped him better support himself, become stronger, and regain the agency he lost due to trauma. He has developed resilience and access to greater vitality and openness in his emotional life.
It is important to recognize that overcoming emotional numbness is not a linear process. Progress can be slow, and patience and perseverance are essential. Every small step toward emotional reconnection is a victory and paves the way for deeper healing and resilience.
*The name has been changed for privacy reasons and Kane’s story is an amalgamation of several things
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In Australia, support is available at Beyond blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at Men’s line on 1300 789 978. In Britain: The Charity Mind can be reached on 0300 123 3393 and Children’s line on 0800 1111. In the US you can call or text Mental Health America on 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org
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Diane Young is a trauma specialist and psychotherapist at Private in the South Pacificone of Australia’s leading trauma, addiction and mental health treatment centers.
