Two leading psychologists have revealed the signs you may be dating a narcissist, and what you can do about it.
British psychotherapists Helen Villiers and Katie Mckenna, authors of You’re Not The Problem, and hosts of the hit podcast In Sight, revealed in an exclusive conversation with FEMAIL how to tell if someone around you is a narcissist.
“Narcissist is such a buzzword these days,” Helen said. ‘Not everyone can be a narcissist!
‘There is some truth in that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a serious mental illness defined by a number of characteristics, the main five of which are grandiosity, entitlement, exploitation, motivational empathy and reduced self-awareness.
‘Most importantly, NPD is distinguished from other personality disorders by the evidence showing that people who have it intend to harm significant others.’
But how do you know whether someone around you is a narcissist or not? Here are five signs you may be dealing with a narcissist.
In an exclusive chat with FEMAIL, Helen Villiers and Katie Mckenna (pictured), psychotherapy authors of You’re Not The Problem, and hosts of the hit podcast In Sight, revealed how to tell a loved one has the disorder.
1. They make everything about it.
“Whatever you’re talking about, somehow you end up talking about them and how brilliant they are, or maybe it’s an event to celebrate someone else (wedding, birthday, graduation) and they set themselves the center of attention, they either pretend to be ill, or make demands that go beyond what is reasonable and then become angry when they are not met.
‘The narcissist will ensure that they are always in the spotlight, whether it is because they are angry about a perceived slight, or sad about the same thing, or because they are suddenly struck by a mysterious illness from which they immediately recover from the moment that they’ve received enough attention, or someone suggests calling the emergency services.
“God forbid they actually leave and not get all that attention anymore!”
2. If you’ve been to Tenerife, they’ve been to Elevenerife
“Whatever adventure, achievement, friend or job you’ve had, they’ve done it, but they’ve done it better.
“They’ll exalt everything you’ve ever done, and if they can’t, they’ll devalue yours.”
“They always have to be the best at everything, or if they aren’t the best it’s because it was an active choice not to be, and they will downgrade whatever you’ve done that makes you ‘better’ than them .’
3. If they want something, they will get it, regardless of its impact on anyone else.
‘Imagine you and a colleague are going to be promoted, do you put your head down and work, demonstrate your skills and abilities for the role?
‘Or do you sabotage your colleague, take credit for his work, make him seem incompetent, make best friends with the PhD student?
‘Narcissists will take what they want just because they want it.
‘They wouldn’t even think about using other people to get that thing. They may want time, labor, money, energy, anything you can think of, and they will go to any lengths to get it, without worrying about the impact this has on the person they exploit to do that.
“And if you call them out, or God forbid, tell them no, you will provoke something called ‘narcissistic rage,’ which can be loud and angry, or silent seething resentment, and you will likely be subjected to something called the smear campaign is called.
“Here they tell everyone how horrible you are, either in an open, loud way, or in a way that portrays them as the victim in the situation.”
The pair, who have a popular podcast, warned that if you try to call out a narcissist they will likely turn their back on you and fly into a rage.
4. They are the victim in every story, it is never their fault.
‘Listen carefully to how they tell their story.
“Is it everyone’s fault that xyz happened? The narcissist will always paint a picture where he/she is the saint and everyone else is bad.
“They never take responsibility for anything, offer insincere apologies and use various forms of emotional abuse to silence people or escape responsibility. Often there can be a false acceptance of responsibility, but listen carefully to the justification for why it is not their fault.
“If someone really meant an apology, they would say, ‘I did this and I shouldn’t have done it, I’m sorry I hurt you, I won’t do it again,’ and they don’t .
“They can explain why they did what they did, and they can explain that there was no malicious intent, but they will still accept that they did something that hurt someone else.
‘The narcissist will say, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, I didn’t mean it, it’s because xyz happened so it’s not my fault.’ There’s a big difference!’
5. They make you feel bad because you hold them accountable
“Motivational empathy is the cornerstone of how a narcissist escapes responsibility.
“They will use your empathy for them to avoid challenging them.” “Oh, then I’m just the worst person in the world” “I might as well give up, I’m so useless” (veiled suicide threats are very common and should be met with “I’m going to call the emergency services” because if they need it, they will get it, but if you are manipulated, it will expose the manipulation.
‘It could also be: ‘After all I’ve done for you, you can’t do x for me?’, ‘You’re so mean to me.’ Or “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my bills this month, I’m so stressed, I can’t even afford to eat…” to trick you into offering them money, because what kind of person would do that? allow another to go hungry?
“NPD is much bigger than this behavior, and we are not for one second suggesting that you can use this to diagnose someone. But all of these behaviors are toxic and make the narcissist feel like the most important person in the world.”
